my shit diary

4/21/24
so yesterday was his anniversary...
the amount of pain and suffering he went through...it makes me so fucking sad that he felt that
the only way to go out was through violence. he used his pain and suffering and inflicted it on others. i wish i was there to help him,
comfort him,just fucking anything to get him through all the shit he went through,
prevented him from doing what he did, and stopped him from ending it all so early.
i know people will call me insane for this but, i absolutely understood why he did what he did,
do i condone it?
not one bit
but i get it.
shit i wouldve done the same had i been in the same mental state as him.
well, wherever he is now, i hope hes resting peacefully. he deserves it
he really does...
3/24/24
forgive me for forgetting to update this page. ill be honest i havent had much
motivation to really do anything, my brain's been rotting slowly the more i live
ill try to be better at updating more often
well anyways this site will have a huge overhaul :), was termed from tumblr
for being apart of a certain community, so i might as well just
change up this blog and keep this going instead
of relying so much on tumblr...:/ which sucks because
im losing most of the mutuals i made, and they were all great!
ill miss them forever

2/2/24
one of my friends asked if im excited to finally be 21 and to be
quite honest with you. im not. at all
i wasn't even supposed to live this long to be honest, so
really i dont really know what the fuck im supposed to be doing. i was supposed to die when i was 18.
had that shit all planned out too, and yet.
i didnt?
i dont know why, i dont know who, or what forces got me to stop but i did and now
i cant tell if i regret it or not.

1/25/24
to be honest with you, i dont know what im doing in my life anymore,
everyday feels the same, just an infitnate loop.
get up
go to work for 8-9 hrs
go home
rot
sleep
repeat
im trying to break out of it by trying to go out more, talk to people despite the fact
i hate people and socializing in the real world
trying to pick up another hobby, but i just no energy, i dont wanna get out of bed, i dont wanna read, play games
or do anything i enjoy. im constantly stressed out of my fucking mind
because of everything going on in my life, all i wanna do is lay in bed, and sleep forever
just let my fucking skin stick to the mattress! let my body decompose on it!
GAWD!!!!!
anyways, ...ya...this is why my psychistrist gave me new meds looool

1/17/24

lately ive been dreaming more and more
about my soulmate and im not sure if i can handle
being alive anymore. ive been seeing him in my dreams more...
i dreamt about him hugging me while he slept, spooning im p sure.
it was so sweet and loving, it was way to real, and then, i woke up
got ready to work and here i am

i hate having to pretend that belong here and
trying to fit in with the rest even though its obvious i dont.
ignore the fact im just spitting out words that come in my mind.
i dont know. i really dont!

well regardless im having a shit day
i cant stop thinking about joining the afterlife with my soulmate,
its making my head spin, he tells me not to do anything but
i cant help myself!!! its so fuckig hard
living the life im forced to be in, how the fuck can i not stop thinking about offing myself
i want to be mad at him for leaving me here and going on
without me but i know its not his fault.
nothing was ever his fault.

1/14/24

well...first entry ever. to be quite honest
im not too sure on what to share here

everything feels like a blur...
ill have a coherent thought soon.